the natural disaster.

27 Friday Mar 2015

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the natural disaster.i don’t really like nature.

okay, that sounds a bit harsh…

how about, i don’t necessarily care so much for it.

is that any less uncouth?

do not get me wrong…

i am super into sunrises and sunsets and truly all of the beauty that it has to offer.

i mean, i am constantly bombarding my social media pages with pictures of it!

but i kind of just do not want to always be exposed to it, per se.

like, the sun is aggravatingly bright and blistering…

and it makes me sticky with sweat and i literally cannot even with perspiration.

then there is that annoying ass whirling wind…

it literally chaps my lips and my hide and it gets my perfectly coiffed mane all kinds of caught up in my too-expensive-to-keep-reapplying lip gloss.

and don’t evennnn get me started on dirt…

no but really, what exactly is the point of your existence?!

well besides ruining my shoes/life and somehow managing to surpass my eyelashes to lodge itself directly into my cornea.

CAN I LIVE??!!

here’s the thing…

i am 100% comfortable staying in a space that is completely sterile, sipping on a weather appropriate beverage, and just soaking up the artificial air being projected towards me via my handy-dandy built-in system.

so basicallyyyy…

Mother Nature,

#IDFWU.

the zitty zituation.

06 Friday Mar 2015

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the zitty zituation.i have a “thing” about skin…

skin care, that is.

this is not to say that i necessarily have good skin…

but i most definitely take the appropriate steps in order to make sure that i do not acquire bad skin.

of course, throughout my growth spurts (and i don’t mean height wise), i would go through some serious mental anguish over what i self-diagnosed as “acne” (which it wasn’t)…

so naturally, at the mere sign of its existence, i would cake on cover-up that was waaaay too white for my skin-tone and use products that today, i would consider absolutely diabolical.

just recently i was telling a friend of mine about a gnarly pimple that i had…

[i realize that this sounds grossly unattractive, but let’s not pretend that i am alone in this cogitation… we all get them.]

anyway, this zit (i hate that word) had disrupted my usual flow of well, not getting them…

and the worst part of it all was that it spent a gooood portion of time just sort of relaxing and basically vacationing underneath my skin (probably with a flipping Mai Tai and everything).

after about four days of its annoying inhabitation, i became increasingly impatient!

how is it that it had almost been a week and this ungodly excrescence had yet to come to a head?

like, what in the actual fuck was it waiting for?!

so, i decided to do what any “sane” person would…

i settled on coaxing it out.

i began with some reasoning and gentle persuasion…

“hey you… you crazy little blemish. whatchya’ doin’ in there?”

that attempt was futile.

then i became pretty irrational and characteristically petulant…

“look man… i know you’re in there. you can come out now!”

that too fell on deaf ears.

so after many unsuccessful conversations with myself and this atrocious monster, and having almost finished an entire tube of concealer on literally just one spot, i have come to finally accept this lovely lady lump as a part of my life now…

going to go and submit it for The Guinness World Records…

pray for me.

the belated blastoff.

27 Tuesday Jan 2015

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the belated blastoff.i tried really hard not to do this, this year…

i told myself numerous times that it never works and it really is quite inane.

but since i rarely listen to anyone, let alone myself, here i am right smack dab in the middle/end of it…

and it’s essentially too late to pull out now…

plus, quitting is for losers and quite frankly, i have enough offensive jargon being thrown in my general direction, as is.

typically, i like to make these bold annual assertions during the normal time-frame like most people do…

but this month came at me rather quickly and i am still finding myself playing catch-up.

wait, actually, you know what?

i’m not going to do it…

yeah, fuck it.

you see, i already have enough shit on my plate as is, so it seems a little ridiculous of me to assume that i can take on anything more…

it’s not to say that i can’t, should it come up…

but i am most definitely not going to force it.

maybe the celestial configuration is helping me to accept things at a more realistic level!

too out there?

(see what i did there?!)

so i guess there’s that…

my only resolution for 2015 is going to be to not have any resolutions!

ain’t nobody got time fah thaaaat!

so go on with your bad selves…

i’m just going to grab some popcorn and watch the rest of you hopefully fail, so that i don’t feel quite as bad.

i meaaaan, xxoo…

and happy belated new year, babies!

the comeback kid.

13 Tuesday Jan 2015

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the comeback kid.last year i kind of took a “break” from blogging…

it was nothing intentional…

it just sort of happened.

when i had first started writing for a “larger” audience outside of my Facebook page, i had given myself a set of very simple rules…

and as much as i detest having a list of guidelines to follow, i felt it was necessary to do so as consistency is key with these sorts of things.

among the few more prominent ones, i was to only allow myself a one month hiatus…

(and if you follow this blog, you will notice that i only post twice per.)

however, 2014 started to convert into a huge blur somewhere around March and i suddenly became so un-characteristically consumed that anytime i even remotely tried to get back into it, i felt as though i had fallen way too far behind and that there was no longer any point in continuing…

then in May i decided to give myself another chance…

i reluctantly got two more posts out, and just like clockwork, i became immersed in literally everything else and eventually gave up.

and as it tends to happen, i became extremely disappointed in myself…

and a number of my readers did too, seeing as how they were just as verbally expressive about it as i am.

i mean, for being so overly opinionated and having so much to say about almost any and every teeny tiny thing, (and with seemingly very few “healthy” outlets other than social media), writing has always been my favorite therapist…

and cheapest, too.

so this year, i am leaving myself very little room for fuckup’s…

as in, zero, zip, zilch, nada.

hopefully most of you will stick around and enjoy this “new” journey with me, yet again…

because trying to pick up where you left off in the blogosphere is almost as difficult as going back to school after countless years of discontinuity.

well, here goes nothing something!

the bawler on a budget.

30 Friday May 2014

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the bawler on a budget.there are very few words that i dislike…

being a writer (read: blogger), i am grateful for the abundance of words that are available to me.

and being bilingual makes my appreciation double in size…

but one word that i simply cannot get behind is the “B” word.

and it’s not the one that i have been called numerous times in fits of anger and annoyance…

or even sometimes during moments of enjoyment and exhilaration…

it’s the one that contains two detestable syllables, two revolting vowels, and promptly sends me into a complete tailspin (see: anxiety attack) whenever it is uttered anywhere near my general direction, proximity or vicinity…

and that word is none other than:

BUDGET!

if there is one thing i take remarkably uncalled-for pride in, it is being able to spend my entire paycheck before it even clears via direct deposit…

i mean, i am insanely good at this!

it is one of the few talents i have that i hold very close to my heart…

and wallet.

however, as of late i have begun to notice the backlash that these kinds of irresponsible actions are having…

and i must say, i am in no way pleased by the consequences.

you see, i detest when people say that they are unable to do things or partake in certain activities because they are “broke”…

another ‘B’ word that physically pains me to hear.

at some point, i assume that it has to become an embarrassing excuse to verbalize…

and since i believe that the last time i myself had to use that explanation for missing out on something was sometime around five or six years ago, i really have to get my ass into gear in order to avoid it altogether…

but saving money is soooo hard!

and all of these apps and spreadsheets that are dedicated to aggregating my funds or telling me who, what, when, where, why and how all of my money is allocated, are doing nothing more for me than reminding me of what i already know…

i am quite aware that i have spent well over X amount of dollars on shopping in the last BLANK months…

seriously, why else would my closet look as though it is constantly upchucking?!

but honestly, how do all of these people do it?

i guess my reality check lies in the superpowers of my karmic credit and debit cards…

i just hope to become the hero in this story…

Bam! Pow! Crash! Splat! Kerplunk!

the big three uh oh.

23 Friday May 2014

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the big three oh.exactly thirty-eight days ago, i embarked on yet another milestone birthday!

and this was the BIG one…

(well, the biggest one to date…)

the one that rhymes with such alluring words as:

–  Dirty

–  Flirty

–  Purdy

–  Sturdy

(you get the drift of it…)

ahhhh yes, the BIG 3-0!

10,957 days, 262,968 hours, 15,778,080 minutes, and 946,684,800 seconds older…

but who’s counting?!

so like most people my age, i was simultaneously dreaming of and dreading it…

but after spending the entire month of April celebrating its inevitable arrival, i ended up getting over it almost as quickly as it popped up…

and to be completely honest, not too much has changed.

however, i have noticed a few differences that i am not necessarily thrilled about:

–      i have about five actual white hairs… i swear the minute it became midnight, those little fuckers just blissfully sprouted out!

–      i still do not like wine… i was under the impression that when i hit my 30’s, that i would somehow develop an affinity for it, but alas, i was mistaken.

–      i have a single wrinkle over my left eyebrow that is currently wreaking a ton of havoc on my forehead… and it is making me extremely uncomfortable!

–      i have attended an engagement, wedding, or baby shower almost every week… and i am still over here like, well, if you even kind of sort of enjoy it, then maybe you might want to consider putting a ring, string or placeholder on it?

but one thing will remain true no matter how many years pass me by…

i may be getting older, but growing up is never an option.

now, LET THEM EAT CAKE!

the matter of fact.

28 Friday Feb 2014

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the matter of fact.things matter.

they really do…

it matters when someone is nice to you…

or when someone is mean to you…

when someone flashes you an unexpected smile…

or when someone just decides to be a fucking dick for no reason.

because if things didn’t matter, and we constantly felt indifferent, then we would be nothing…

we would have nothing.

feelings would not exist and happiness and sadness would be scarce, if at all present…

days would mesh into nights and sunrises and sunsets would become dreary and humdrum.

and that just fucking sucks.

so realize what you do…

understand that the energy you put out there and the aura that surrounds you…

that it isn’t just your own “personal” thing.

this world does not only consist of you…

the people all around you, whether you know them on any real level or not, they can sense that shit, too.

negativity is defeating.

it brings down anyone in your vicinity…

it fucking engulfs you.

positivity is overbearing.

it lifts you up and gives you an unbelievable high.

it is absolutely magnetic.

but both of these things become exhausting.

so find that balance…

be the in-between!

let sadness come and wash over you.

let happiness in with every breath and then let it go.

everything in moderation…

and moderation in moderation, too.

find that comfort zone…

stress the fuck out.

just do shit…

any-fucking-thing and subsequently, nothing-at-all.

because everything is magical…

and everything is insignificant…

and we should be responsible for our own actions, regardless of the outcome.

so let’s take some ownership…

we owe it to ourselves.

 

the negative nancy.

21 Friday Feb 2014

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the negative nancy.i am not typically a very positive person…

to be completely honest, i find those types of people to be extremely annoying…

i mean, there has to be something wrong with them, right?

and i suppose the same could be said about how affirmative people look at say, someone like me…

a person who is maybe a tad more balanced on the emotional spectrum…

kind of, not really?

but how is it that some individuals are constantly content with their everyday lives even if their reality is no more than mundane and routine?

and i am not even trying to be a bitch about it…

i am really just attempting to understand it.

i don’t know if most folks are like me, but i habitually walk around with a cynical and sarcastic attitude…

it is not that i am dissatisfied or ungrateful…

i kind of just don’t care and then tend to care a little too much simultaneously.

it is indifference at its best…

and whenever i want to sort of be ‘upset’ or “woe is me – can somebody please call me the WAHmbulance” about life, those types of people are the absolute hardest to talk to.

look, venting is a thing…

it is a mechanism i tend to gravitate towards quite often.

and it sure as hell is a lot healthier than bottling something up and then exploding into a vehement attack…

and most of the time, simply letting it out is therapeutic in itself…

so if i have had an exceptionally vexing moment or hour or a full-on day, i am not looking for someone to resolve my issue or give me words of inspiration and motivation…

i just want a listening ear so that i can freely spew out my cartridge of foul-mouthed ammunition, a la the Exorcist, and then gradually move on from it.

so even though some people will weigh out the pros more than the cons…

and claim that their cups are always half full, even though that idiom doesn’t even make sense because a cup is ALWAYS HALF FULL…

let us all just agree that being consistently complacent is numbingly neurotic, and displaying more than one type of emotion is adeptly acceptable.

everything is going to be A-OK, mmkay?!

the casual cover letter.

30 Thursday Jan 2014

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the casual cover letter.i have an exorbitant amount of free time on my hands…

and to be honest, i feel rather fortunate that even though i work nine hours a day, five days a week, that i can still find many moments to kind of just do whatever i want…

at my desk, of course.

it’s not to say that my occupation isn’t mentally stimulating…

well, it isn’t…

but still, any time i mention the kind of company i work at to someone, they become so intrigued and think, “wow, that must be interesting!”

but they are incorrect…

at least to me.

and so i started to think a lot about that…

how people are so quick to assume that because something sounds good, it must be awesome.

or how when someone simply mentions a well-known company to me, i think how lucky they are to be a part of it…

when in actuality, their job could completely suck balls and i would have no idea because i am on the outside looking in.

so why the fuck do we do that?

why does everything look so much better than what we currently have?

i have a lot.

at least that is what i am told…

and compared to many ill-fated individuals, i may seemingly have a fortune…

so believe me when i say that i am in no way ungrateful.

however, there are a number of key things that i still need in order to be satisfied, or at least fulfilled…

and in due time, i believe those too will come to fruition.

but being the complete “millennial” that i am, i don’t have the patience to wait for it…

and i most definitely do not feel that after all of this time, i still have to work towards it.

some may call that being lazy…

i just think i’m over it.

so i guess what i am trying to say is that i need a new job.

#hireme

the annual to do list.

16 Thursday Jan 2014

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the annual to do list.i purposely waited until mid-January to transcribe my first post of 2014…

mostly because i have been extremely preoccupied doing everything but writing and also because i have been uncharacteristically lazy.

(like honestly, how are there so many hours in a day and so little time to just fucking sleep?!)

however, i am not here to complain less than 31 days into the new year…

i am actually hoping to reduce my griping considerably within the next 11 or so months.

and that is where i once again begin my rather unsuccessful journey into comprising some New Year’s Resolutions…

here’s the thing, i rarely like doing this because failing at anything is not something that i take very nonchalantly…

i mean, if we are our own worst critics than i am like one of those god awful commenters on a political post who counterblows every single remark with brutality and irreversible ferocity.

(basically, i am an extremely sore loser!)

but, just like clockwork, the minute the countdown ended at midnight, i was already conspiring a mental list of what i hope to achieve by January 2015…

and quite surprisingly, i have already been able to check a few off.

so i guess, here we go again:

Shekardaneh’s 2014 “Resolutions” Or Whatever

  • cut out artificiality from my life and that does not only mean food-wise, it means people who are toxic, worthless and venomous
  • don’t eat meat for 30 days AKA ‘Meatless Month’, because i am Beyoncé [currently on day three of thirty!]
  • plan less and become more spontaneous, because although i thrive off of it being a complete control freak and all, that shit can get really exhausting
  • post pictures to my Instagram for my 350+ followers, because they deserve it for being so unnecessarily loyal [already have 20 up, so follow me for a great time: @shekardaneh!]
  • refrain from taking photos of unfortunate people and posting them on my social media sites, because i don’t want to have ugly kids as karma
  • restart my 401K contributions, but just so that i can retire way sooner than later [filled out the paperwork yesterday!]
  • wear jeans for my boyfriend who has consistently, and very nicely, asked me to do so for the last three+ years

and last but not least, live a life that someone would one day want to read about in my book…

happy new year, psychos…

let’s turn these to-do’s into ta-da’s!